you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
