Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Randomize
