We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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