i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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