I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Acid is not a monday night drug
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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