his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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