Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize