I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
