there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
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