we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
