Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
