My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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