I hate your face
And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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