You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
So apparently I’m into choking now
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