Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Randomize
