my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
