My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
The uberlube is also flammable
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize