The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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