I met the friendliest cop last night
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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