I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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