I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
