yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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