im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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