I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
