3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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