so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
