Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
