My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Randomize
