i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
