I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
