Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
