Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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