WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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