shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
