Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
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