just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
