Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
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