If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
