I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize