; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
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