Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
there is glitter all over my balls
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