Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
