Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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