i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
