we have pet lesbian snakes
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
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