I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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