i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
