Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
