i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Randomize
