How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
