I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
