how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize