oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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