If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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