I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
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