I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
He felt like a one man threesome
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
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