But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Randomize
