i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
